This year, it’s no surprise that many of us are feeling stretched thin after a heated election season. Now as we head into the holidays, we’re ready for joy, connection, and maybe a bit of peace. But let’s face it: family gatherings can be tricky even at the best of times, and tensions only grow when differing opinions and emotional exhaustion enter the mix.
So why would we even bother with gatherings that might bring so much strife? Simply put, it’s because human connection makes life meaningful. Priya Parker explains in The Art of Gathering, “We gather to solve problems we can’t solve on our own. We gather to celebrate, to mourn, and to mark transitions. We gather to make decisions. We gather because we need one another. We gather to show strength. We gather to honor and acknowledge. We gather to build companies, schools, and neighborhoods. We gather to welcome, and we gather to say goodbye.” These gatherings are about more than our personal comfort—they help us find support, mark important moments, and strengthen our bonds.
Whether your family is one of blood or choice, gatherings can stir up a range of emotions. On one hand, they can bring up negative feelings like anxiety, guilt, or even resentment. On the other, they can spark joy, love, and connection, fueled by nostalgia and gratitude.
Here are some ways to protect your peace and still enjoy the richness of holiday gatherings.
Give Yourself Permission for Self-Preservation
In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown introduces a tool called “permission slips.” Think back to childhood: permission slips had to be signed by someone of authority to allow you to step outside the norm. Let’s do the same for ourselves this season. Give yourself permission to do what you need to show up as your best self. And if it helps, write it down on a real slip of paper as a reminder.
Only you know what you need to permit yourself to do, but here are a few ideas. Let yourself stay present in the moment by savoring the food, enjoying a good laugh, or simply taking a walk. Self-care is NOT selfish; it is essential. Set realistic expectations for yourself and the gathering, and remember that it’s okay to attend in a way that works for YOU!
If things get overwhelming, don’t be afraid to respectfully walk away. Step outside for fresh air or take a few quiet moments alone. You have permission to take breaks, and you are not required to endure difficult situations just because it’s family. Through self-care, we can honor our feelings without stepping on anyone else’s rights.
Boundaries Are a Gift (to Yourself and Others)
In undergrad, my sociology professor, Dr. Thorsen, offered a gem of wisdom that sticks with me nearly two decades later. “You have to know the rules before you can play the game.” Games run on rules that maintain fairness and enjoyment for all players, and social boundaries are no different.
Rules to a game are essentially boundaries that we must follow to keep the game going in an orderly fashion and hopefully keep it enjoyable for all players. Could you imagine if Uncle Joe just kept jumping past Go and collecting $500 whenever he wanted? Unless this was an agreed-upon rule, most players would adamantly protest his behavior. Social boundaries are no different.
To set healthy “rules of engagement,” we must be clear on our own boundaries and what we are comfortable with. These boundaries aren’t just about avoiding conflict—they can help foster deeper, healthier relationships.
Most importantly, give yourself permission to interact strictly within these boundaries. Clear boundaries allow us to connect more meaningfully and maintain a sense of peace throughout our holiday gatherings.
Challenging Conversations Are… Challenging
If conversations feel hard, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with tough discussions, especially in today’s polarized world. It’s okay to feel it challenged, and knowing this can be a relief.
Being aware of our emotions is key. This list of emotions from the American Psychological Association (APA) website can help narrow down the feelings driving your responses. Intense conversations can easily lead to hurtful exchanges, but by identifying emotions, we can keep ourselves grounded.
Remember, conversations aren’t just about talking; they’re about listening. Often, we are so focused on what we want to say that we miss hearing the other person. And if it becomes too much, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself from the conversation. Sometimes, just listening or stepping away can protect your peace.
Focus on Connection and Gratitude for Small Moments.
In the midst of holiday stress, remember that small moments can remind us of what matters. Maybe it’s a shared laugh, a favorite holiday tradition, or just the warmth of being together. Practicing gratitude in these moments can ground us, keeping the holidays joyful, even in challenging times.
As we step into this holiday season, may we all find moments of peace, understanding, and joy. May we give ourselves the grace to honor our own feelings and approach others with compassion? And may we experience connection in the midst of our differences, allowing us to heal, celebrate, and find strength together. Blessings to you and yours.